Help! I'm A Children's Pastor

Children’s Ministry Rules I Wish I Could Use

by James on October 19, 2009

socks

Most of us write up and use pretty basic rules for Children’s Church: Don’t talk, keep your hands to your self, participate, limit bathroom use, blah, blah blah. I’m finding that those just aren’t cutting it these days. There are so many issues that the basic rules just don’t cover. I suggest we add the following to our policies and procedures manuals immediately!

Rules I Wish I Could Use:

For Kids

  • You shall not turn your Sunday School papers into airplanes or roll them into weapons.
  • If we have drums, you are not allowed to play them. Ever. If you do we will cancel your next birthday.
  • Do not groan after my movie video clip illustration is over.
  • The answer to every question I ask is not “God”.
  • Please thank your parents on our behalf for buying you a cell phone… right after you tell them you lost it.
  • Knock, knock jokes are banned for life.
  • Understand this: Even though I don’t have your birthday and age memorized… I still love you!
  • Please tell your friends we have bibles and coats here at the church… free gifts from all of you who have left yours here.
  • Nobody stole your socks.
  • Please stay completely still and quiet during worship but move around and talk as much as you want during the sermon.
  • Prayer requests are not a chance to tell a story.
  • If your grandmother is dead… there’s really no reason to pray for her… again.
  • Offering goes in the plate… not in the coke machine after service.
  • Please explain to we leaders how you fit all that stuff in that tiny pink purse.
  • Keep your dangum shoes on girls!

For Parents

  • Parent’s are required to get angry when they arrive late for check-in. We’re only open for an hour after all… only 30 minutes shorter than the service itself… I’d be angry too!
  • Parent’s must pick up their children within 15 minutes of the end of service. Those who don’t will have their children given to someone who will raise them properly.
  • Deadlines apply to everyone… except you. You’re special.
  • Please don’t act like you’re doing us a favor my dropping off your child. It’s not a problem for me… but some of these folks feel a little under appreciated when you act that way.
  • By all means, fill up a van full of kids, bring them to church and then refuse to volunteer!
  • Offering goes up one dollar for every minute you are late to church.
  • Those papers we send home… they’re useful… and not just as replacement floor mats in the minivan.
  • I know your kid is perfect… like you… but we still need him to stop stabbing others.
  • Thanks for your donation… but the homeless don’t like cans of pepper hulls either.

For Volunteers

  • If you’ve been sick since Wednesday, please wait to call in till Saturday night or (even better) Sunday morning just before service. For a bonus, do it via facebook!
  • Children’s Ministry is probably not the best place to work off your community service hours.
  • You can pass a background check… but if you smell funny, I’m not going to approve you to work with kids. It’s called mercy.
  • Volunteers who call in sick for the Super Bowl will have the kids from their abandoned class delivered to their home in time for the game.
  • Yes, random church member with an agenda, I’d love to create a class wrapped around your goat farm.
  • Please hold all important, drama-filled conversations until right before service starts. Preferably while I’m trying to get PowerPoint to work.
  • All scary looking relatives of yours are automatically cleared to sit through kids church. Since you asked me with them standing right there so I couldn’t say no. I’ll be sure to send a couple of mine over to watch you sleep tonight in return.
  • If you’re going to read right out of the curriculum, at least hold the book right-side up.

Do you have any of your own rules we should add? Put them in the comments!